boiler

I’m not really sure where this will end up going but I’ve had a really rough morning dealing with disrespectful calls and ignorant people. Since this is my own journal and space to ramble, I will go into specifics on how rude and disrespectful these calls were. The first was this scam caller that had emailed my parents about this $625 purchase on internet security software. The claim was that they had purchased it previously and it is now being renewed. My mother explained that the money in fact was not transacted and hearing his thick heavy accent talk was already giving me a migraine. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t have a problem with people who have accents, my issue is targeted to people who choose to not be communicative. He was so delirious in his line of speech that he eventually started saying the words “damnit” and “god damnit” when I told him the website which he directed me to did not exist. I opened up an incognito webpage, don’t worry. What made it worse was really the lack of response I was receiving from my editorial internship corespondents after giving very vague instructions on how they wanted me to edit the testing literature and the payment for my benefit day shoot. Theres more to this! I’m also in the process of designing my own website and blog. The themes that I bought was a grand total of $260. The reason behind this monstrous purchase is due to my lack of knowledge in any sort of webpage design. I bought the entire kit so that they will just put in everything and then return it back to me, completed. Doing bare minimum work in the most efficient timing. I’m not ashamed of it! In any case, the problem here is that apparently they had some issues yesterday 6/6/2022 trying to upload the sliders and needed to reach out to the design team. The nice gentlemen that I talked with yesterday told me to reach out again today around noon to check in if things weren’t completed yet. I did just that after my wonderful call with the scam caller. Whoever answered the phone seemed like your average Karen but in a man. The worse combination known to mankind. Not only did he assume my lack of knowledge in what “waiting for 48 hours” meant, he also had a hard time understanding that my purchase for installation only lasted until tomorrow. Meaning if they didn’t sort this through by tomorrow, I would need a refund. In any case, blood really rushed up to my head to the point that I could physically feel my explosive veins on my forehead. It was so bad that I am currently putting an iced can of sparkling water near my forehead to calm down my blood pressure after having a repulsive headache for three hours counting. I hope I don’t break out from this.

I guess I’m just trying to write out my thoughts again. Two days ago, I discovered that my personality score on MBTI had changed from an ISTP to an INTJ. My theory here is that I’ve gone through enough trauma for me to finally accept who I am as a human being. Sure, personalities can switch around as we grow up but I feel like there is a tiny part of that’s always felt like this was my true personality. I just didn’t want to admit to it. Some of the reasons in which I didn’t want to admit to this would be that it’s very common among psychopaths, sociopaths and just purely evil people. Yes, I did score a grand total of zero for both “feelings” and “trust” category. I’m coming to understand that this has always been how I felt inside. The fact that I was unwilling to accept my true personality as an INTJ proves that I am an INTJ. I wanted to put on a social mask, a facade for people to find more relatable. After all, there is only 1% of INTJs in the word and less than 0.5% among this group are female. The good thing is, Eileen Gu shined some light on this personality and made it all unique and special in a positive way. Moreover, accepting my own personality actually brought a lot of clarity into my own actions that I previously could not understand. Examples being, always mimicking and unintentionally becoming the people who interest me or presently involved in my life. INTJ’s aren’t concerned about anyone but themselves. I think that I knew this deep down inside. What hindered me from coming forward to myself about this was this very vivid memory of a conversation that I had with my best friend back in freshman year. I remember opening up to him about my lack of emotions and general difficulty in understanding others.

“I think you are a sociopath, Lucy.” He messaged back on Messenger, “What you just told me literally summarizes all the characteristics of one.”

Somewhere deep inside, I don’t think I was “hurt” in the way that it made me upset of his harsh words. I was hurt that he was correct. Me, being an INTJ person: didn’t want to admit anyone but myself, didn’t want anyone to read me clearly. Looking back on how I reacted, it was exactly what an INTJ person would do. Repulse enough to create multiple false personalities in order to trick people into believing that they didn’t read me clearly. I even tricked myself. Talk about avoidant personality disorders.

All of this acceptance and self actualization got me to ponder on something more, was I just born as an INTJ? If not, how does someone become an INTJ? I want to have more conversations in regard to this because the reason why we talk or complain with others so much is because we aren’t having enough of these talks with ourselves. If I don’t even know myself, who will? No one can answer the questions that I choose to trauma dump about at the end of the day. Just myself.